bartholomew

i've been avoiding kristy since prom. not that i regret sleeping with her. not at all. and not that because i've stopped and checked out three guys since sleeping with her (and i know margie's right, liking kristy doesn't mean that i don't still like guys most of the time. but it still fucks with my head to want to sleep with kristy and then wonder what it would be like to be with chad from fordham).

but that's not it.

it's because that other time since prom that me and kristy have been alone together, we Did It again.

and i mean, i don't know. i don't know what we're doing or anything because i know she doesn't like me the way that i like her, and it feels weird to sleep with someone when all it is is sex. and i know, i know, what seventeen year old says shit like that, right? but i don't know. maybe it's because kristy is the only girl i've met that i want to get in bed with, so i want it to be more special. to kristy's it's just sex. i don't want it to be sex with kristy. i want it to be sex with my kristy, but when someone doesn't want to be your anything? just because you can get it, does it mean that you should?

maybe i should send chad a facebook message, finally. i've done nothing with that for months now. maybe i should stop being such a damn baby: i'm not a virgin anymore, right? and i'm not ashamed of who i am. i'm scared of being gay, or bi or whatever, but i'm not ashamed. maybe sex with kristy was the first step, and now i gotta take this other step until i know what direction i'm going in: the kristy way or some place i've never been.

me and margie "broke up," and that's for the best since it's time for me to stop hiding and face whatever the hell is going on. the fact that i don't know what it is...i'm bart taylor, i'm not a wuss. i think based on what mom and dad said about holly in florida, it's clear that they're gonna love me, no matter what i decide, and i live next to the biggest city in the world so if i go down and see a guy, it's not like west point is gonna find out, right, so it's time for me to stop being such a chickenshit and do something.

i thought about going down to new york this weekend; i found seth's cousin's friend, the guy who kissed me. he goes to fordham. his name is chad, he's a member of their gay whatever acronym group thing, he also does intramural lacrosse and touch football. his facebook also says he's single. and he's cute and -

so is this it? am i - am i gay? i couldn't want erica, i haven't wanted any girl in a long time, the last two crushes i've had are on trevor and now i'm looking at this facebook page and i'm leaving him a message and i want to kiss him again, and so is this it? i'm gay?

so what was kristy?

when i was four, i got lost in new york. we had come into the city for christmas shopping, and we were at a department store, i think it was saks, and i was getting seriously bored with finding just the right tie for great uncle stewart, so i decided to go find the toy store by myself; i just walked right out of saks when mom had her back turned.

i remember crying hysterically until mom and dad came to the police station to get me.

but the thing is? mom said that's not what happened: yeah, i was crying hysterically when mom and dad got there, sure, but the police officer who found me said that i was happily walking down the street, asking people if they knew where i could find the toy store and if santa was gonna be there. the cop bought me a hershey bar; i started crying because the policeman said i had to stay with him at the station until mom and dad came, and i didn't want to wait for them, which was boring. i wanted to go to the toy store. and that's why i was crying.

i was so little, i just don't remember things right, and you're not supposed to. still. there's a big ass difference between botching the memory of a few hours in a december sunday and confusing your whole childhood: how my parents treated my sister. i fucked up so hard, i've spent about eleven years thinking my parents were dicks to holly, when...they weren't. here i was thinking that they were judgmental fuckers, just like kevin and his family, you know? and instead, they love us the way that the thomas-brewers love any of their kids, from charlie down to emily michelle. i always figured, if i told my parents that i'm struggling with these feelings about guys and girls, they'd throw me right out, aiming a suitcase at my head. but...

if it doesn't have to be a secret shame from then, then...then what is it to me?

it seems like there was a lot of drama and excitement and everything over the snowstorm. heh, i still remember being stuck at kristy's a couple years ago, that was surreal. i feel a little lame: when everybody trades, "how did you spend your blizzard?" my answer is gonna be, "my family and i watched movies until the power went out, then we played pictionary, had a two-day monopoly tournament, and then kyle taught us all how to do guitar hero on his portable gameboy thingie and my mom got the high score."

not very sexy, huh. but i wouldn't trade it for the world.

and you know, having the big birthday crap canceled is perfect, too. i haven't felt so close to my folks and kyle especially (since he's usually fused to his video games) in a really long time. this is what i wanted for my birthday, really. just them.

and i won't hurt them. ever. by telling them what's going on.

( in which bart rants in defense of his bff trevor, taking shots at pete along the way. and gets terrified of dorianne. like everyone else. )

margie's saved me. and there's no getting around that or anything: she's saved me by doing this. and she's real nice to hang out with; like i like spending time with her. the kissing is weird, the cuddling is weird, but it's gonna get easier. we'll get better at this.

there's just one thing: and it's not that margie would agree to this, i get that she's so so busy. it's that she is so so so SO busy. like how shannie's busy and anna's busy, margie's busy. you know, everybody i know is an overachiever in their own way: this is sds, duh. but the thing is, it's more than that, to be that busy that you never stop. it's like some people do lots of stuff because they gotta fill space. i'm filling space by dating margie, that space where i feel - that. what's margie filling?

and am i being a dick by giving her another thing to fill whatever it is that's empty or that she's trying to avoid?

i have tried to pretend it didn't happen. that he didn't kiss me, that i didn't kiss him back, that i didn't want...i've been spending every minute since then pretending that it didn't happen. but then i lick my lips and-- or i think of margie and--

it's there. it's like this gigantic...it's like when you spill coffee on a table, and it's just pooling over everything, and now everything is stained.

the only thing that makes it better is margie. what she said, that maybe...i mean, i'm only sixteen, maybe i'm still like growing. or something. maybe this is all just a phase.

i want him to kiss me again. i want to kiss trevor.

what if this gets harder to hide? what erica told trevor...what if...oh, shit. shit. shit. what do i do?

what do i do.

i like thanksgiving - i mean, for reasons other than the food: it's nice to have holly home from boarding school, and even kyle tears himself away from his fucking xbox to socialize. i dunno, some days, with holly being gone and kyle being so damn tweeny emo annoying, i'm the only normal kid for mom and dad. yeah. i'm the favorite, i own it. that's why i can't be

this weekend will be super tight: the general invited me to a West Point alumni dinner down in the city on friday - i mean, how awesome is that! so i'm gonna stay with seth at his dad's place, and he's already got the invite to some sick party on saturday night in the west village. or east village. i dunno, some village. it's a city party - who really cares what the deets are as long as you go?

the hell was with that justin guy at the dance?

maybe i need to stop hanging with trevor so much. well. at least in public.

you can't go to west point if you're gay. which i'm NOT. but just saying. i just...

i don't know. i don't know anything anymore.

i have to break up with her.

i HAVE to break up with her.

i SO HAVE to break up with her.

i TOTALLY HAVE to break up with her.

i MUST break up with her.

i AM GOING to break up with her.

i WILL break up with her.

uh.

soon.

forget everything else.

erica is getting so clingy, i think i might give myself an ulcer stressing out. what am i going to do?

all of the sudden, i totally understand why kristy went insane with me in eighth. i wasn't THIS bad...was i?

to be erica's bartie bear, i am turning into an alcoholic. when me and kristy dated...it was right after the feelings were starting. those feelings. i had to push them back, right? and i liked kristy, i -

with erica, i don't have to try, not at all, she's like all over me like fucking whoa. and i like her? but the kissing and all of that, it makes me nervous. but - but i like her! that's a good thing right? i mean, these nerves are just that, nerves, because she's my first REAL girlfriend and all, not because -

it was almost easier to just be single and fight back the feelings than have a girlfriend at all. damn.

would shanny laugh at me if i told her that after all of my efforts to find a non-kristy girl, i can't connect with a single one? that i need help?

yeah. yeah, she would.

what do i do?

fuck it. i'm just going to go golfing tomorrow and not think about anything. maybe i can convince kyle to come, if i let him drive the golf car. i really like getting out there and just clearing my head.

and not thinking about the new batman movie. i mean, it looks awesome, that's the only reason i am so excited to see it. i am not excited by christian bale. i'm not. i'm just - a huge fan. that's all. jesus this sounds fruity, i can't eve

can you learn how to flirt? like, take lessons and stuff? there has to be a book on it. maybe i should watch sex and the city to see what girls like.

because so far...when it comes to connecting with a girl? it's like trying to hotwire a car with a marshmallow.

i have to get better at this. i have to.

so what if girls don't excite me. i've known the same girls my entire life, and they're all kinda the same, the girls at the club and the girls at SDS. kristy was totally, 100% different. it's nothing more than that.

since kristy has rejected me again, it's time to get on the dating horse for like the first time ever. the plan is, meet more girls. get more active. yeah. i can do that, it's not that hard. i'm nice. funny, even! you know, stuff that girls would want. so i better like the girls back. this will be a total success, operation meet chicks.

it has to be. please.

our little group has always been

( and always will until the end )